Don’t worry if this doesn’t come naturally to you — it is something you can learn through practice. Be conscious about smiling more. Accept compliments with gratitude and humility. When you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about situations or people, stop and try to think of a bright side or positive characteristic that can help you feel better about it.
It’s easy to think “Other people would be happier if they were more like me,” but remember that most people are happy being who they are, and that all people aren’t made happy by the same exact things. Spending time with friends might make you happy, while spending time alone might make a different person just as happy. [3] X Research source
Remember that there’s at least two sides to every story. Make a genuine effort to see how other people have valid perspectives, even if they conflict with your own. Having an open mind will make nasty conflicts less likely.
Further, make plans to deal with these things when they come up. Does it drive you crazy when people whistle or drum their fingers? Having a practiced, polite response to these behaviors that lets others know you find it frustrating without being critical or combative can help you get along better with others. For example, you could say: “Excuse me, would it be okay if I asked you to stop whistling? No offense, but it really drives me crazy after a while!”
You don’t need to fake happiness if your best friend has just died, but generally, try not to burden others with your problems, especially minor gripes. For example, if someone asks how you are, and you’ve just gotten in from a long, difficult commute, try to think of something good that happened that day that you can tell him or her about rather than immediately expressing your frustration with rush hour traffic.
This will make other people feel more important and valued by you. [8] X Research source Be a good listener. People want to feel that what they have to say is heard by others. This will make people enjoy talking to you more and reduce conflict in your day-to-day conversations. [9] X Research source
Compliment others, especially at the start of a conversation. Starting a conversation off with some sincere flattery will get things off on the right foot. [11] X Research source
If someone talks slowly and quietly, avoid talking to him loudly and at a rapid pace. This will make it more enjoyable and comfortable for the other person to talk to you.
This works at both the individual and cultural level. Whether someone comes form a completely different culture or just has a very different personality from yours, looking for similarities is a good way to bridge the gap. If, for example, you meet someone with conflicting political or religious beliefs, but find you both like baseball or dogs, focus the conversation on baseball and dogs, at least until you get to know the other person better.
Promising to do something you really don’t want to do or don’t have time for can build resentment. If you end up not following through or doing a bad job, the other person may not trust you or have his own resentments, too. If you can’t or don’t want to do something, it’s better to just say no. When you say no you are not rejecting someone — you are simply refusing a request. You can say no directly, without excuses or explanation — “No, I can’t do that. " Or try saying no while acknowledging the sentiment behind the request, such as: “I know you really want to go for a hike this afternoon, but I can’t today. " If you have to say no to something you want to do, but simply don’t have time for right now, you might follow up with something like, “I can’t hike today, but is there another time you’d like to go?”
Have an exit strategy when you know you’ll be spending time with someone you find hard to get along with. This could be making plans to be somewhere else, or just excusing yourself for unspecified reasons. [16] X Research source It’s also good to have practiced responses for politely limiting conversation with someone who talks too much and you find unpleasant. For example, if you have to deal with someone who offers lengthy and unsolicited advice, you could cut off a rant by saying “Thanks! I hadn’t thought of that!” For someone who brags a lot, you can look for a place to say, “That’s great, I’m really happy for you,” then exit the conversation. [17] X Research source
Take some deep breaths, count to ten in your head, whatever you need to do. Just try to stay calm and avoid things turning into a fight.
Likewise, if one of these topics does come up, avoid being sucked into an argument. Don’t try to to defend your position or justify yourself, just say something like: “Well, you know we don’t feel the same about that issue,” and then try to move the conversation on to something else. You can even say “Let’s talk about something else. “[20] X Research source
When the person is done speaking, respond in an appropriate and kind way. Instead of saying, “I can’t believe you think that. What is wrong with you?”, you might say, “I’ve had a very different experience with that. Can I tell you about it?”, or, “I’m interested to know what makes you think that. "
Try not to take criticism personally. It is as much a reflection of the viewpoint of the other person as it is anything to do with you.
Focus on the behavior, not the person. Rather than attacking someone’s personal characteristics, critique what he is doing that you don’t like. This can minimize the risk of hurt feelings or conflict. [23] X Research source For example, don’t say “You are bad at planning ahead. " Instead say: “I wish you’d try to think ahead more when we have major deadlines coming up. " Point to specific, concrete improvements you would like to see, or specific things that are bothering you. [24] X Research source For example, you could tell a coworker: “It was really hard for me in the meeting last week when you didn’t have the reports ready that you had promised. In the future, if there’s a problem, let me know in advance and I can help you get them ready. " Try the “compliment sandwich. " Start by talking about one of the person’s strengths, then deliver the criticism, then conclude with another positive statement.
Go for a run, listen to your favorite music, punch a pillow, or whatever works for you. Anything that doesn’t direct your frustration at others will help you get along better with people.
