Ask calmly. If you ask with a lot of nerves, they may feel too awkward to answer. Take a deep breath before you ask. You might begin by saying, “Hey, do you mind if I ask you something?” or “There’s something I realized I never asked you. "
You might say, “I use he/him pronouns. May I ask what you use?” If you have known one another for a while, you might feel awkward asking. Simply apologize for not having asked earlier. You may say, “I realize I never asked for your pronouns. I use she/her. What do you use?” If you suspect a friend’s pronoun may have changed, ask them. “Melissa, may I ask if I am using the wrong pronoun for you? I heard Arthur refer to you as “they,” and I realize I’ve always called you “she. "”
Instead of asking “What is your gender,” ask, “What pronouns do you use?”
You might say, “I want to check so that I don’t misgender Jamie. Can you tell me what pronouns Jamie uses?”
If you hear people using different pronouns, you can ask one of them which is correct in a private moment. Some people do use multiple pronouns, such as “she” and “they,” so their friends will not be surprised if you haven’t figured it out.
For instance, you might say, “How do you and Jamie know one another?” or “What does Jamie do in this company?”
This is especially important if you suspect someone may be transgender. If their clothing strongly suggests one gender, and their features do not necessarily correspond, you should trust the clothing over their physical features. Observation is not a failsafe method: gender expression and gender identity aren’t always the same! Some people present in an ambiguous manner, and others may express masculinity or femininity without identifying as the corresponding gender. [5] X Research source
You can refer to people by their name instead of saying “he” or “she. " Few people are offended by the gender-neutral pronoun “they” if used in situations where you are not certain.
You can say, “I’m sorry I was calling you the wrong pronoun. I should have asked. " If you had a slip-up, say, “I want to apologize for using the wrong pronoun back there. There’s no excuse. I’ll be more mindful in the future. " If you use the wrong pronoun in front of a group, correct yourself immediately and apologize briefly. Say, “I mean she, sorry about that. "
A lot of transgender people get unsolicited comments on their “naturalness” or “bravery. " Try not to assume what they want to look like, or what their experience has been.
