Other opportunities to talk about death and dying with children are when they encounter a dead plant, tree insect, or animal, like a bird. Reinforce the idea that all living things die, but that it is a natural process that allows for new things to join everyone on Earth. [2] X Research source
Preschool children generally see death as reversible and temporary because they have no concept of permanence or experience with death to give them context. Children of this age are in what Piaget has called the pre-operational stage of development. [3] X Research source During this time, children may have a hard time with abstract concepts in general, such as death. By the time children are between the ages of 5 and 9, they come to understand death as more permanent and absolute. However, they usually do not relate it to themselves. [4] X Research source From the age of nine and through adolescence, children begin to fully comprehend the meaning of death, particularly the idea that they too will die someday.
The child might ask, “When will you die?” Your child asks this because they need reassurance that you will be there to take care of them. You can respond, “Don’t worry. I will be here to take care of you. I don’t expect to die for a very long time, and as long as I am alive, Mommy will take care of you. " You can also reassure your child by telling them that most people live for a very long time before they die, and that it was not their fault that Grandma died. When you explain death you can say, “I have some sad news. Grandma died today. Her heart stopped beating. She does not breath in and out anymore. She cannot eat, see, hear or move. She cannot feel pain or be hurt either. It is different from sleeping because all your body parts still work when you are sleeping. But Grandma’s body parts have stopped working. ”[5] X Research source
If you’re uncomfortable talking with your child about what happened to the deceased’s body, you can always refer your child to someone they trust. For example, they might talk to a family member or a relative, or someone with professional experience, like a clergy member or a member of the hospice staff. It is important to try to answer all their questions, and answer them in simple terms. They may repeat the questions they don’t fully understand the answers to. This is normal.
It is also problematic to tell your child that someone died because of a sickness. Your child does not fully comprehend the difference between a serious illness, like cancer, and a temporary sickness, like a sore throat. Reassure your child by saying, “Only very, very serious illnesses may cause death. Everyone gets sick, but we usually get better again. Remember when Mommy had a stomach ache, and got better again?”
You can tell your child, for example, “It is okay to feel sad and to cry. Don’t worry, I will take care of you. ” On the other hand, it may take your child a minute to process the information and they might not respond right away. This is OK. Let them process the information. They will most likely bring the subject up on their own at a later time.
If the funeral will have an open casket, explain to them what it is and what they will see. You can say, “A casket is a special box that holds the whole body. It will be made of wood and the inside of it will look like a bed with a little pillow. Your grandma’s body will be dressed up in a pretty outfit, and will be lying in the special box. There will be flowers and pictures around the box. ”[9] X Research source
Don’t force your child to look at the body of the deceased, especially if your child is young. [10] X Expert Source Vernita Marsh, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist, Consultant, & Speaker Expert Interview. 7 April 2022.
For example, “There is a special place called the crematorium. The crematorium has a special room, not like any room in our house, with a special fire. The fire is very, very hot, and will turn your grandma’s body into ashes. She will not feel any heat or pain. Her ashes will be put in a pretty container, called an urn. The urn will be at the funeral. ”[11] X Research source
Understanding what death is and knowing how to tell when it has happened. Recognizing that death exists and accepting the emotions that come along with knowing that death exists. Reorganizing their identity, relationships, and environment in accordance with their understanding of death.
If you don’t know an answer to a question you can say, “I’m not sure myself about that” or “I don’t know the answer to that. ”
Try to help your child understand that people cope with death differently, and that people are raised to deal with death differently. Explain to them that what those people were taught about death when they were young is different from what you are teaching them about it now. [17] X Research source
After a few minutes of talking and listening, do a fun activity together that will lighten their mood. For example, play a game, go to the park, cook, or go enjoy an activity together. [18] X Research source
