There’s no one right way to talk to your child about death. Consider things like your family’s culture, the child’s age, and the circumstances of the death. [1] X Expert Source Jade Giffin, MA, LCAT, ATR-BCArt Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 October 2020. Pick the right time and place for the conversation—pick a quiet, calm environment so your child can really focus on what you’re saying. [2] X Expert Source Jade Giffin, MA, LCAT, ATR-BCArt Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 October 2020.
Don’t try to hide your emotions about what happened. If you feel sad or angry, it’s okay to show that. If you don’t, it can make it harder for your child to process their own emotions. [3] X Expert Source Jade Giffin, MA, LCAT, ATR-BCArt Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 October 2020. If there was an untimely death, such as your family friend died in an accident, try to word things in a safe way that won’t further traumatize your child unnecessarily. For instance, you might say, “Kim was in a bad car accident that caused her body to stop working and the doctors and nurses couldn’t fix it. ” Omit descriptive details that you don’t need to say. Use words such as “bad”. It gets across that there was something wrong, but it won’t scare them.
After providing an explanation, follow your child’s lead. They may need time to quietly process this information or they may want to ask many more follow-up questions. A way to ensure your child understands is to ask them to explain what they think happens when someone dies. Try asking, “Joey, what happened to Aunt Kristen when she died?” Many kids learn by repetition, so they might need to have their questions answered repeatedly. Some children might not show much of a reaction at first—they might even seem like they weren’t listening. That can be part of how they’re processing it, so give them time to absorb it on their own pace. Just make sure they know you’re there when they’re ready to talk. [4] X Expert Source Jade Giffin, MA, LCAT, ATR-BCArt Psychotherapist Expert Interview. 30 October 2020.
If a child asks, “Will I die, too?” try saying, “All living things die eventually, but most of us will live until we are very old so you don’t need to worry about dying for a long time. ” If your child asks, “Will you die, too, Mommy?” respond by saying, “I plan to live for a really really long time. I will love you all the time. You will always be loved and cared for. ” If you aren’t sure how to answer a question, it’s okay to say things like, “I’m not sure. . . " “I wonder. . . " or “Let me think about that and get back to you. " Then, ask a trusted resource, like a partner or a friend, or seek professional support, such as a book or therapist, for guidance.
Consider what prompted your child to ask about cremation to help guide the conversation. For example, did they over hear that a loved one was going to be cremated instead of buried and wonder what that meant? Or did they hear it from a friend or while watching TV? Use the situation as a way to tailor your discussion of cremation.
Don’t say, “Grandma wanted to be cremated. This means her body will be burned. ” Instead try saying, “Grandma wanted to be cremated when she died. This means that her body will be placed in a very hot room until her body turns into soft ashes. ”
Try saying, “Anna, I want you to know that Daddy will not be hurt when he is cremated. ”
Try saying, “Grandma’s body will be turned into soft ashes, but her spirit will not be harmed because it left her body when she passed on. ”
Try saying, “There won’t be any smoke or smell when Mommy is cremated. It will just get very hot – about three times as hot as our oven gets – and this heat will turn everything into soft ashes except some pieces of bone. ” You can also say, “After cremation what’s left of Uncle Tom’s body will look similar to kitty litter. However the remains will be white because they are made of bone. ”
Try saying, “Aunt Ashley really loved the farm where we grew up in Kentucky. She wanted her ashes to be scattered there after her death, which is why we are traveling there next week. ” If the deceased’s ashes will be memorialized in an urn, say to the child, “Daddy wanted to be close to us always and asked that his ashes be placed in a special container called an urn. To honor him we will keep the urn with his ashes on the mantle. ”
You say to the child, “Bobby, we are going to have a ceremony to honor Uncle Ted. Is there anything special you’d like to do to say goodbye to him?” Remember, don’t force your child to attend any memorial. Forcing them may cause more issues and could possibly affect the grieving process negatively
Try saying, “Amanda, I know it’s been a few months since we scattered Grandpa’s ashes. Do you have any questions I can help you answer?”
Tell the child you are there to support them in any way they need. Try saying, “Georgie, I’m feeling sad about Grandma’s passing and maybe you are, too. I just want you to know I am here to listen to and support you. ” Try visiting the place where you scattered the deceased’s ashes with the child. Allow the child to talk openly about their feelings, but don’t push them.
