Sometimes our fears aren’t born out of our own mistakes, but those we saw in others. For example, if your parents went through a tough divorce or you had difficult relationship with loved ones during your childhood, you might struggle with fear of love or commitment.
For example, we might say we fear love when we actually fear commitment or fear losing our freedom. This kind of self-reflection can be tough. Try talking through your worries with a trusted friend or family member and asking their advice. Or, if you feel more comfortable, try journaling your thoughts to see what is behind your fear of love.
Sometimes we find ourselves anxiously asking questions such as “What if I get rejected?” or “What if I get hurt again?” If you find yourself asking these worst-case scenario questions, try following through and answering them. For example, you might tell yourself that if you get hurt again, you’ll learn from that relationship and know what not to do the next time. If you put yourself out there and get rejected, then it will hurt for a while and you will eventually heal from it. [3] X Research source You might also try to put a positive spin on the questions. For instance, ask yourself what will happen if next time you do not get rejected. Your answer might be that you’d be in a loving relationship with someone you love to spend time with. This can help quiet the negative “what if” game in your head.
It’s important to note that finding this person might take some time. Don’t set time limits or expectations on finding this person. If you fear love, then you must let it come to you naturally. Forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do won’t help you fix your fear and is unfair to the other person.
Try writing down all the ways that falling in love could be a positive for you, such as companionship, physical intimacy, spiritual health, and so on. Then evaluate your list against your fears. Think of this exercise as a one-sided “pros and cons” list. If you are honest with yourself, you will likely find that the positive side of your list far outweighs the negatives.
Overcoming failure can be challenging, but it’s absolutely vital to overcoming fears about potential future relationships. Some good strategies include recognizing that failure is common and that a failure doesn’t mean that you as a person are a failure and turning to others (a counselor or close friend) for help and perspective when we need it. [7] X Research source It’s also helpful to regard each previous relationship as a learning opportunity. For example, if you grew up watching your parents yell at each other, then you might make a conscious effort to not raise your voice in disagreements in your current or next relationship because you remember the hurt and stress it caused for you as a child. You are not doomed to repeat your own or others’ past mistakes. . [8] X Research source
Practice self-care because it is vital to personal growth—including overcoming fears. That might look like exercising, going for a walk, or talking to someone who’s comforting to you. [10] X Expert Source Donna Novak, Psy. DLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 December 2020.
An easy way to tell the difference between a fear and simply not being ready for a relationship is your reaction to the prospect of love. If the idea of love makes you anxious, scared, or feel like you want to hide away in your room or apartment, then that probably implies an unhealthy aversion to love. However, if you think about love and it sounds wonderful, but you don’t know how you’d fit it into your schedule or you think you might be doing a disservice to the other person because you don’t have enough time to devote to a relationship, then that’s a mature, well-thought out decision, not a fear. It’s important also to know the difference between fear-based rationalization and rational prioritizing. Rational prioritizing is based in logic and fear-based rationalization is rooted in wants and emotions. For example, avoiding a relationship because you’re planning to spend a year abroad for work soon would be an example of rational prioritizing; it’s simply not very feasible to look for love at present and it wouldn’t be fair to your potential partner. However, fear-based rationalization would be if you tell yourself that you can’t find love at the moment because of past failures, because it’s too hard to try, or because football season is coming up and you don’t want any distractions. In the latter case, you’re rationalizing your way out of love, rather than working on embracing it. [11] X Research source
Make a conscious effort to think about the things that drew you to your new partner. Think about how much they make you laugh or how thoughtful they can be. Note how different these characteristics are from your last toxic experience with love. Putting relationship baggage in the past doesn’t mean forgetting it. It simply means not letting it affect your current relationship. Take things slow. Don’t think all the way to the end of the relationship—just focus on small steps, like making a phone call or going on your first date. [13] X Expert Source Donna Novak, Psy. DLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 December 2020.
It’s cheesy, but time truly does heal many wounds. Keep in mind that you will live through the rejection, no matter how painful, and one day you will likely find a loving relationship that will cause this one to pale in comparison.
Focus on spending time around people who are a comfort to you. It might still be a challenge to think about a romantic relationship, but actually being around the person should feel easy. [16] X Expert Source Donna Novak, Psy. DLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 9 December 2020.
Make sure that you’re actually trying to work on overcoming your fears. It can be easy to use any excuse to avoid both love and working on your fear of love. If you are actively not dating or putting yourself out there for the purpose of working on your anxieties, that is different than practicing avoidance behaviors that reinforce fears. If you’ve gotten in over your head with a new relationship, sit down with your partner and explain your fears. Tell them you have issues with love, and that although it might sound cliche, it’s not them but the idea of love that’s worrying you. Being honest, even if what you’re saying isn’t what they want they want to hear, shows that you respect and value them even if your relationship might not continue. [17] X Research source
