Hopefully, you put care and love into a relationship because you feel and know it is the right thing to do. If you do it simply so that you’ll get it back, you’ll only end up disappointed. This mentality will likely result in you feeling what you get back is inadequate compared to what you put in. Remember—no one is entitled to anything in a relationship, especially when it comes to sex. Intimacy is a mutually beneficial experience that should revolve around both partners’ needs and wants—not just one.
Feelings of entitlement don’t necessarily just come in the form of wanting a “thank you. ” One spouse may believe they deserve presents or even sex because of what they do. Entitlement refers to feeling that you are owed something, no matter what it is. Some spouses take advantage of this and hold it above the other spouse’s head, particularly in the case of sex. [1] X Research source
If you’ve given up your career to stay home with the kids, you may think your spouse owes you because of this. Perhaps you moved away from your family to be with your spouse. As a result, you may have a sense of entitlement.
For instance, you could be listening to your friends who tell you that your spouse not going above and beyond for an anniversary or birthday is a bad sign. So, you pressure them to spend excess money on an extravagant gift or vacation that you couldn’t actually afford. If the ideals of your friends or acquaintances are impacting your marriage, you may need to learn how to tune out their feedback, or get some distance altogether. [2] X Research source
Say to your spouse, “I feel like you believe I owe you something or that you are entitled to a certain behavior or action. Am I right? If so, can you tell me why you think that?” Coming from a positive place that is genuinely concerned about your marriage will encourage your spouse to be forthcoming with their thoughts and how they feel. [3] X Research source
You could say, “What do you need that I’m not giving you?” Opening the lines of communication in a way that says you want to help, rather than coming off as defensive or critical, can make your spouse more receptive to talking openly with you.
Don’t make going to a therapist a surprise for your partner. Simply showing up at the office and telling your spouse you’re going to therapy is a surefire way to cause a big fight. Instead, say, “I think we have some entitlement issues we need to work on. We haven’t been able to figure out the root of the problem on our own, so I was hoping you would agree to speak with a therapist and see if they can help us. ”[4] X Research source Try to present going to a couples’ therapist as a benefit for your relationship, rather than pinning it on your spouse’s behavior.
It’s important to create a balance between your individual needs. For instance, maybe your spouse really values “me time” and enjoys having time to themselves. Taking their “me time” away from them could disrupt that balance. Consult with a marriage counselor for help if you are unable to come up with tokens of appreciation that you both feel comfortable with. An outsider looking in may be able to think of something neither of you can, since you are both too involved.
Understand that you aren’t entitled to anything from your spouse. What’s more, only doing things for your spouse because you want them to “owe” you isn’t productive or beneficial to your marriage. [5] X Research source
For example, you might ask your spouse, “Is there anything I can do that would make your day easier?” You can consider laying out their work clothes, buying them a special treat, or watching what they want on TV. This isn’t done to get anything back, but simply to make them smile and feel loved and appreciated.
Throw away your tally sheet. Cut your partner some slack and try something new. Instead of keeping up with what they did wrong, search for things that they are doing right. This allows you to create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy in your relationship. You will see more positives, and, as a result, you will experience greater marital satisfaction. [6] X Research source
The best route to successful compromise requires that each person bend a little to make the marriage work. Determine how much an issue means to you and then discuss with your spouse how you can each make sacrifices to meet in the middle. For instance, you might take turns choosing a restaurant for dinner rather than always making the executive decision. You might get your spouse’s input on reasonable punishments for your child instead of making the call on your own.
A healthy relationship involves positive communication between partners in which they both can safely discuss their opinions, thoughts, feelings, and dreams, respect for one another as individuals, respect for one another’s right to privacy, ongoing support and compassion from your partner, and the flexibility to compromise. [7] X Research source If any of these staples are missing, your relationship may be in jeopardy. Other desires not listed here may need to be discussed on a case-by-case basis depending on your individual preferences and expectations.
