Giving yourself the time and space to calm down and analyze your immediate emotional reaction, as well as consider the situation from their point of view, will allow you to approach the conflict from a more logical, productive standpoint at a later time. Sometimes, cutting ties is the only thing that can be done when you are not feeling safe, loved, and respected. If you need to protect yourself and the ones you love from your family, that’s a reasonable outcome. However, that often is the last resort and there are many things that can be done before resorting to cutting them off.
Seeing a family or relational therapist can be very helpful if you feel like you’re running in circles with the situation.
Family counseling could help you address problems you have relating to your family. Maybe you do not feel your family accepts you because of your sexual orientation or religious values. Maybe your family fights all the time, or never dealt with the fallout of a trauma. Family counseling may be worth a try. [3] X Research source If there is a drug or alcohol addiction in your family, consider if things would improve if the family member entered a rehab treatment program. Figure out if you could remain in communication with your family if you only cut off contact with one or two members. If you get along fine with your siblings, but have serious issues with your parents, for example, figure out a way to maintain a relationship with your siblings. Addressing whatever hurt and wrong comes up together with your family is important, especially if you want to avoid a negative cycle of hurt and miscommunication.
Communicate only through email or social media. Only talk on the phone. Go out to dinner a few times a year. See them only on holidays or special family events.
For example, you might begin the conversation by saying, “I have something important I need to let you know. I have decided that, for my own mental health, it is best that I distance myself from this family for the time being. I have been doing my own work on some of the problems in our family, and right now, I see this as the best option for my life. ”
Try saying, “I understand how painful this is for you. I am sorry that I am hurting you. But I feel that for right now, this is what I need to do. "
They may demand more answers about why you are leaving than you are willing to give. Try saying, “I am not comfortable talking about that right now, but I will write a letter with that information when I am ready. ” They may insist that they will change and the situation will improve. You can say, “I am glad to hear you want to change. I would like to see you take some steps to make that happen, and then we can revisit this in six months. ” They may also be angry and defiant. They might say, “Fine. We don’t want you in this family, either. ” You can respond, “I am sorry we feel the need for this distance,” and end the conversation.
Writing a letter can help you clarify your own feelings. Letter writing also allows you the time to search for just the right words to describe your feelings. A friend or counselor can look over the letter before you send it and offer feedback.
Setting boundaries is extremely important, but honoring them on your end is even more essential for success.
Instead of “We can talk on the phone,” a clearer boundary would be “I will call you once a week. ”
If you plan to visit your family, let them know when they can expect to see you. For example, “I need some space right now, but I will be back for Nana’s party in April. Maybe we can revisit some of these issues at that time. ”
Don’t answer excessive phone calls or emails. If you said you would email once a week, you are under no obligation to do more than what you agreed to. If they visit without your permission, ask them to leave. You can say, “I am sorry that you drove all this way to visit, but I am not ready to communicate with you right now. I will let you know when that is. For now, I ask that you leave. ” Keep in mind that your family will likely be angry with you for enforcing your boundaries. [10] X Research source
A therapist can also help you work through other issues you are dealing with after cutting ties with your family, such as feelings of guilt, depression, and anger. [11] X Research source A therapist can also recommend a support group that may be helpful to you.
Reconnecting with your family may be painful as you revisit old wounds. Consider working with a family therapist. A family therapist will take the whole family system into account in order to give your whole family appropriate ways to heal.
