Are you and your spouse already essentially living separate lives, spending little time together? Are you uninvolved in each other’s daily wants and needs? Have you stopped making decisions together?[2] X Research source Have you or your spouse turned to people outside the marriage to meet your emotional needs? If this has gone on long enough, it might be time to end it. [3] X Research source If the relationship is abusive, and you feel your health or life is in danger, there’s no question that it should end. You need to get to safety as soon as possible. Have you gotten outside help? Consider talking to a marriage counselor before making this decision. Having a third party’s input can be really helpful. If nothing else, talking with a marriage counselor might help you decide for sure whether this is the right thing to do. [4] X Research source
You might consider staying with a friend or relative for awhile so that you can sort out your plans without worrying about the legal side of things just yet. In some cases there’s no time for thinking things through. If you’re in an abusive marriage, take steps to end it so you can get out right away.
This give you a chance to leave with your finances in order. If everything you own is also in your spouse’s name, you’ll need time to sort things out so you’ll be able to start life as a single person and support yourself. Your spouse could make this very difficult. If you think the divorce could be contentious, start planning a few months before you break the news. This is especially important if you’re leaving an abusive situation. Don’t tell your spouse - make plans, then leave. Your spouse will find out before long.
If you’re searching for the right words to say, you could start with “We both know this is not working out. I’m ready to end the marriage. " Your spouse will either agree or be upset. In the best case scenario, you’ll be able to remain friends, but a marriage’s end can be very unpredictable.
Start a separate bank account. Put in as much of your own money as possible. Don’t take money from joint accounts at this time, unless it’s an emergency situation. Start your own line of credit. If you don’t have your own credit card, it’s a good idea to start building credit history now, so you’ll be able to get a loan or make a down payment on a new place.
Cut back on spending. For the time being, limit your purchases to essentials. Create a budget, and stick to it. Figure out how much money you’re going to need to hire an attorney, rent a new place, pay for groceries, etc.
If you’re on good terms with your spouse, discuss who’s going to live in the home you’re sharing, and who will need to leave. If you’re going to be on your own, you might want to move to a brand new city to get a fresh start. Think about who you could stay with and start making plans. If you have kids, decide what size house or apartment you’ll be able to afford.
Decide when to tell them. Telling your children you’re getting divorced is a big deal, and something you’ll want to put thought into before you bring it up. [7] X Research source Think about custody. Do you want full or partial custody of the children? If you want full custody, which is rare, there will need to be a good reason - like your spouse is abusive or unfit to be a parent. If this is the case, gather documentation you can use as evidence to prove it in court.
Consider getting therapy. The divorce process can be devastating, and a therapist can give you the right tools to make it go more smoothly. Take good care of yourself. Ending a marriage is one of the toughest life experiences a person can have. You thought you were going to spend your life with this person, and now it’s over. You’re going to be dealing with a swirl of emotions during this period. Make sure you’re eating healthy food, getting enough sleep, spending time outside, and doing whatever it is that makes you feel as good as possible. [8] X Research source
Figure out which belongings are yours, and which are your partners. When it comes to purchases the two of you made together, you’ll need to figure out who paid for what or decide who gets it. You might choose to leave for a few days while your partner moves out, or vice versa. That way you won’t risk having a fight while you’re trying to pack boxes and leave.
Look for an attorney who specializes in handling divorces. Don’t select just anyone from the phone book - you’ll want someone with experience. This is especially important if your spouse doesn’t want to get a divorce, or if you plan to sue for grounds (such as adultery). If you don’t feel you can afford an attorney, you could still hire a paralegal to help you navigate the process or review your paperwork to make sure it is filled out properly. Some states have resources for a “do it yourself” divorce. Conduct research to find out if this option is available to you. [9] X Research source
Throughout the process, you may need to present evidence related to your financial situation. Organize your bank statements, pay stubs, receipts, and other papers so you have them ready if you need them. Your attorney should help you with every step of the process to make sure it goes smoothly. If the custody of your children is in question, there will be a separate set of paperwork to work through. Be prepared to present evidence related to your fitness as a parent. You’ll need to show you have a steady income, stable living situation, and so on.
Everyone processes divorce differently. Don’t just jump into the next relationship as a way to get back at the person or to try to move forward. Instead, give yourself time to work through your emotions with counseling.
