Breaking up on impulse can make you regret your decision later, causing you to want the relationship back. Detaching slowly and carefully considering your actions can help you make a final decision that you don’t go back on later in life. [2] X Expert Source Stefanie Barthmare, M. Ed. , LPCPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 May 2021. You might want to detach from a romantic relationship because you realize that over time, you and your partner have changed, or because they have a negative character flaw they are unwilling to work on. You might want to detach from a friendship because your friend has developed damaging behaviors, or because you realize they are never going to change a negative behavior. You might want to detach from a parent if they are overbearing or consistently rude. Take time to write out a list of pros and cons of detaching. Figure out if there are consequences you will need to plan for, such as loss of financial support or a change in lifestyle.
When seeking advice or support, say something like, “Do you think I could tell you about my situation, and you could tell me what you would do?” You also need others to provide a distraction so that you fill the void the other person was filling. Go to others when you need help with things like fixing the computer or advice about a decision.
If you have children together, it is important to continue the daily routines, even if you have activities with the children that you usually do together. This includes things like attending sports games or putting them to bed. To give yourself an emotional boundary during a conversation, keep the topics superficial and avoid discussing how you feel about things (i. e. , sharing your opinion) and asking for advice. If you are asked a personal question, you can say that you do not want to discuss it at the moment.
If they directly ask you what you’re doing, say, “I am taking the time to think about our relationship. ” Be prepared to explain what you mean and answer any questions truthfully. “We’ve had a rough year, I feel emotionally exhausted, and I am taking the time to process how I feel about it all. I hope that you will give me the time to do that. ”[6] X Expert Source Stefanie Barthmare, M. Ed. , LPCPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 21 May 2021. Do not treat this is a game. You are serious about thinking about the relationship. You are not withholding emotional intimacy to get attention.
Taking a step back from a situation can help you see it from a wider angle, perhaps noticing things you didn’t see before. [7] X Research source A physical break also means a break from physical intimacy. You cannot truly emotionally detach from someone you are having sex with. [8] X Research source If you decide to stop having sex with someone, they may ask why, so be prepared with your answer about thinking about the relationship.
Try to make arrangements for any negative effects of detaching from someone. For example, if you have children with someone, then you will need to make arrangements so that you can still see your children on a regular basis. If you rely heavily on someone for financial support, then you will need to find a way to support yourself.
Write down or record yourself talking about why you are deciding to detach from someone. These will serve as reminders when you feel yourself wanting to go back. Make a list of reasons why you should detach. On this list might be because they create too much chaos, they take advantage of you, that you were losing yourself in them, and so on.
Even if you still want to be friends, you need time away from the person to heal from the emotional attachment before you can attempt being friends. Otherwise, your past is too fresh, and you will be tempted to settle into old habits of intimacy.
Social media also records all of your text interactions, so it is easy to read old posts and recall old feelings, none of which help you detach. You may want to consider making a general post to your friends to explain the situation so that they don’t talk to you about it. You may also want to delete the person you are detaching from off of all social media so that you can no longer see their profile or communicate in this way.
You need to learn how to cope with life without this person, which may mean finding answers to things they used to help you with, making decisions on your own, and so on. Consider learning a new skill or visiting places you haven’t able to yet to discover what you are good at and where your weaknesses lie.
Use visualization to imagine how happy you will be in these new settings and doing these new activities. Consider dating again or striking up new friendships once you have had time to recover and stop being angry at the person you were detaching from.
This detachment allows you to stop caring what they think and make decisions based on your best judgement, rather than feeling pressure to conform to the other person’s desires. Because detachment is a state of mind, it is a handy skill to have to endure the negatives in life. For example, you may find that you cling to pleasure and fear pain, but practicing detachment will give you the ability to go through difficulty with humor and a sense of “this too shall pass. ”[11] X Research source
Set goals about building a support system. For example, you can write down lists of people in your life now and people you want to be there in the future by creating a visual diagram. [13] X Research source Approach people, you would like to be in your support system by asking them if they would like to be friends with you. Be honest about your needs.
