Professionals are people who aren’t personally involved with your situation, and who have years of expertise in helping people get through hard times. They are outside the relationships that bind your family and can often help you understand your situation in a new way.
Because your friends and family won’t be neutral about the situation with your stepmom, their advice might not be as helpful. The best advice often comes from people without a personal connection to the situation. It’s best to have a combination of people, including friends, families, and professional counselors to help you. If you are part of a faith community, consider asking an adult in this community for support. Many times priests, rabbis, ministers and others have training in counseling in addition to their religious education.
”Dad, I’m feeling confused and sad. It’s a lot harder to adjust to having a stepmom than I thought. Do you have any good ideas?” ”I’m not sure how to treat my stepmom. She’s not my real mom, but she’s also not just your girlfriend anymore. What do you think I should do?” ”I wanted to talk to you about some of the changes that are going on in our family. I’m feeling uncomfortable with my stepmom and I’m not sure what to do about it. ”
It’s natural to desire a sense of safety and security. This comes when you have a feeling that you are seen and valued. Most people want to feel like their emotions and ideas are important to the people in their household. If you don’t feel like this is true for you, find someone you trust to talk to.
Picking fights and being angry makes it harder to focus on homework or fun things, like activities with friends and family members. Arguing with your stepmom won’t bring your father closer to you. It may actually make things worse between you. You don’t always need to agree with your stepmom, but try to keep your opinions as respectful as you would like hers to be towards you.
One way to practice acceptance is to refocus your attention on something positive. Instead of dwelling on the trouble you’re having with your stepmom, find ways you can get more involved with your school or community even as your family is changing. Try a new activity – drama, rock climbing, volunteering at a soup kitchen, whatever sounds interesting to you. Getting out of the house, meeting new people and having new experiences will help keep you from resenting your stepmom all the time.
Journaling allows you to consider how changing your thoughts or behaviors might have brought about a different outcome. Some people find that once they’ve written down the day’s events, they also spend a few minutes writing about about the lessons of the day, and brainstorming alternative ways to react to stress, handle relationships and recognize and appreciate life’s positive moments. It’s a healthy practice to always write down at least 3 things in your daily journal that you’re grateful for. This helps your attention from becoming overly negative.
Moderate exercise means that your breath should be quicker than normal. Running, brisk walking, swimming laps, or hiking are ways that you can exercise on your own. Playing team sports like basketball, soccer, volleyball or other sports all are great ways to include social exercise in your daily life. Try to include strength-based training several times per week. Strength training includes weightlifting, gymnastics, push-ups and other resistance exercises.
Try to notice what you’re saying to yourself. For example, if your internal dialogue with yourself (“self-talk”) is filled with negative statements about yourself or other people, you might want to try and change this. Negative thought patterns are easy to fall into, and hard to remove. If you’re struggling with negative feelings, talking to someone you trust, such as your dad, a counselor or another adult, may help.
Feeling as though you aren’t the only one adjusting to a stepparent will make you feel less anxious about the situation. Try to identify with another kid’s situation, rather than focus on what’s different about your families. Even if your friend’s situation is different from yours, she’s likely to be sympathetic to what you have to say.
”I’m sad and angry about how things are going. Can we talk about it?” ”I want us to have a better relationship. Can we discuss how we could maybe do that?” ”I know you’re different than my mom, but it really bothers me when _____ happens. How can we fix this?” ”I’m not used to your way of doing things yet. I was wondering if we could talk about what you think house rules should be. ”
Talk to the school counselor about your feelings. Consider asking a mediator to be present when you talk to your dad and/or stepmom. A trusted grandparent, aunt or uncle, counselor, or family friend can help you communicate and compromise. Your dad and stepmom might be more willing to listen if there is another trusted adult present. [11] X Research source
While you may wish things could go back to the way they were, your family’s dynamics have changed considerably. Be aware that some things must be different. Try your best not to fight every small change. [12] X Research source When you feel you need to speak up, you absolutely should. Try to be direct and leave out any sarcasm, and you will have a better chance of being heard.
“I’m sorry for the way I acted. Can we try to start over?” ”I don’t like how our relationship has worked out. Can we try something new?” ”I know you’re not my mom, and you aren’t ever going to be, but sometimes I just get mad about the whole situation. Can you work with me to try and move past it?”
If you can tell she’s had a difficult day, offer to help her around the house, or take the initiative and start folding the laundry. If you drive, offer to go grocery shopping for the family. Collect the laundry baskets and do the laundry, or take the trash out when you notice that the can is full. Feed the family pets, or clean out the cat’s litter box even if it’s not your turn. You could offer to make dinner for the whole family once a week.
Try to relax and be open-minded. You might find that you have areas of interest in common that will help your relationship. Even doing little things like watching television together or playing video games with her can help your relationship improve. If you’re uncertain how to do this, consider doing activities with a larger group of people. For example, going on a rafting trip or taking a class together might be fun.
Your dad may be eager for you to get along with and accept your stepmom, or become one “big, happy family,” but this is probably unrealistic. [18] X Research source If you feel your dad is pushing you, tell him you are open to the idea of a relationship with your stepmom, but it needs to happen slowly.
If you do your best to be kind and respectful, you won’t be making the situation worse. In the meantime, look for any common interests you might have as a way to improve your relationship. It’s okay if you want to spend more time with friends or other family members right now. If you are invited to do things with your stepmom, it’s okay to say you don’t want to. Just try to do so in a respectful way.
If your stepmom is rude to you, try not to take it personally. Take the power out of her rudeness by choosing to treat it as her problem, not your problem. Try to remember that you have a choice in how you react. Don’t let your stepmom’s mood disrupt your day. The best way to diffuse difficult behavior is to stay friendly and helpful, rather than getting angry. Joining in the drama will escalate the situation.
You might try to giving your stepmom some space and put your focus elsewhere. If you need to, spend time playing sports or doing activities that get you out of the house. Hang out at your friends’ houses and minimize your contact with your stepmom.
