Maybe it seems like she is always watching tv when your favorite shows are on. Ask her politely if she would mind hanging out in another room while you relax with your show. Or watch it later on DVR. You could also change your routine. For example, if you feel like she is always in the kitchen whenever you are trying to make a snack, start changing your habits. Grab something on your way out the door instead of sitting down to eat. Changing your routine is probably not the best long term solution. But in the early days of getting to know someone, it can be helpful. When you are getting used to your dad’s girlfriend being around, feel free to take a time out if necessary. Go to your room or for a walk if you find yourself needing some room to breathe.
If you have your own room at your dad’s house, ask that his girlfriend respect your privacy. Tell her if your door is closed, that means you are having alone time. Your emotional space is also important. If she is trying to discipline you, speak up for yourself. For example, if your curfew is 11 p. m. , but she tells you to be home by 10, address the situation calmly. Try saying, “Actually, my dad requires me to be home by 11. I’ll stick to his rules, thanks. "
If your dad is in a serious relationship, it makes sense that you will be around his girlfriend. But you don’t need to meet everyone he takes to dinner. Try saying, “Dad, I understand you need to socialize. But it makes me uncomfortable to make small talk with women I don’t know. Please only introduce me to a serious girlfriend. " Choose your words carefully. Think about what you want to say ahead of time. This will help ensure that your message is clear.
Talk to your dad about the problem. Be clear and specific. Try saying, “Dad, Mary has been teasing me about liking boys. This is not a topic I want to discuss with her. Please ask her to stop. " When you are voicing your concerns, explain your feelings. Say, “It makes me angry when Mary interrupts me while I’m talking. " Follow that by offering an idea for a solution. Try, “Dad, it would be great if you could explain to her that we don’t talk to each other like that in our house. "
Schedule a time to talk. You want to have your dad’s full attention. Say, “Dad, I need to talk to you about my conflicts with Tina. When is a good time for you?” Give him a chance to think. Don’t demand a solution immediately. Say, “Dad, I know you’re in a difficult spot. But I really need your help, so please get back to me with a plan within a couple of days. " If your dad refuses to speak with you, talk to another adult. Ask your mom or another family member to be with you while you talk to your dad.
Face the realities of your dad having a girlfriend. Whether this is a new relationship or one that has been going on for a while, it is important to accept that she is now in your life. Accepting reality doesn’t mean you can’t improve the situation. It simply means that you are acknowledging that things have changed. Once you have accepted the fact that your dad is dating, you can begin to take steps to handle the situation in a positive way.
Spend time with your friends. Dealing with your dad’s girlfriend can be stressful. Having fun with your friends can help relieve the pressure. Find a new hobby. Having a new focus in your life can help take your mind off of your worries. Try out for a sports team or join a club at school. Being around other people can also be a great stress relief. Make a list of the good things in your life. When you feel upset about your dad’s girlfriend, look at the list and choose an item to focus on.
Remember that your individual situation is different from other people’s experience. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t support you. Turn to a trusted family member for support. Maybe you have a favorite aunt that you are close to. Tell her you’re having a tough time and could use someone to talk to. Rely on your friends. Having divorced parents is very common. It’s also common that they will date other people. Ask a friend to tell you about her experience. Knowing that someone else has experienced this transition can be very helpful.
Remember that everyone’s situation is different. Maybe you don’t mind if your dad’s long time girlfriend comes along on the family vacation. But if you do, speak up. Make your feelings clear. Be firm but kind. Try saying something like, “Dad, our time at the cabin is really special to me. If you want to bring Susan for the last two days, that’s fine. But I’d appreciate it if you devote most of the week to just spending time with our family. " Holidays can be especially emotional. If your dad has a new girlfriend, don’t feel like you have to include her in every event. If you have an annual cocktail party that includes friends and extended family, by all means, she should be invited. But that doesn’t mean she has to attend gift opening with your kids on Christmas morning.
Weddings can be a difficult social occasion to navigate, even under the best of circumstances. If there is a family wedding coming up, talk to your dad about the proper role for his girlfriend. If it is your wedding, you should be able to decide who you want there. However, unless you have a good reason, it’s probably not fair to completely exclude the girlfriend. Be flexible by inviting her to the wedding. But you don’t have to include her in the intimate details of the day, such as helping you get ready. Family pictures can also be tricky. Try to pick a standard to stick to. For example, someone who hasn’t been part of the family dynamic for at least several months might not need to be in the picture. Talk to your dad about what feels right for everyone. Consider the duration of the relationship. It’s understandable if you don’t feel comfortable having your dad’s new girlfriend involved in intimate family events. The longer the relationship lasts, the more flexible you should be. If the couple has been together for a year or more, it’s probably time to start allowing her to be more active in the family.
Start spending time together. It is perfectly appropriate for you to initiate a conversation about what role you will play in each others’ lives. Schedule a time to talk. Try saying, “Hey, Tracy, I was wondering if you have some time to sit down and have a conversation with me this week. " Let her know what you need from her. It’s ok to say, “I already have a mother. But I am open to having a different kind of relationship with you. " Be open and honest. Remember to also be respectful.
Next time you are heading to the gym, ask her to come along. You can say, “Hey, Tracy, I love my kickboxing class. Do you want to come?” If you need to take things slow, go see a movie together. You’ll be hanging out together, but you won’t feel pressure to make conversation the entire time. Do some everyday activities together. It can be fun to have someone to make dinner with or to watch your favorite tv shows with.
Getting to know someone can be as simple as learning her likes and dislikes. It might turn out that you have something in common. For example, you could ask her to go out for ice cream. If it turns out you both have the same favorite flavor, that’s a really simple thing to bond over. After you feel a little more certain of your new relationship, you can delve a little deeper. Try asking her about her job or her family. Maybe your dad has been dating this woman for a long time and you think you already know her. Spend time with her anyway. It’s always possible to learn something new about a person.
If you find yourself arguing with your dad’s girlfriend, take a step back and consider the situation. There is likely a situation that could be workable for both of you. For example, maybe you disagree on where to go for dinner. Try coming up with an alternative restaurant that sounds good to everyone. If the conflict is more serious, take a time out. Once you have calmed down, ask if you can talk about a way to compromise.
Examining your feelings can help you figure out what you need. For example, are you feeling jealous? Maybe spending more time with your dad would help. Perhaps you are feeling confused. Sometimes you might actually enjoy being around your dad’s girlfriend, but that makes you feel like you are betraying your mom. Try keeping a journal. Each day, write down the events of the day and how they made you feel. Take some time each week to flip through your journal and review your thoughts. This can help you figure out what your major concerns are.
When you are figuring out how to handle this situation, it’s a good idea to consider other viewpoints. For example, how does your dad feel? Maybe your dad has explained to you that is girlfriend is an important part of his life. If that’s the case, you might want to spend some time thinking about how he feels. Your dad probably has some good reasons for liking this woman. Try to look at her from a new point of view. You could also take the girlfriend’s feelings into account. It’s possible that she is nervous around you. Try to imagine how she feels. It could be difficult for her to try to fit in with you and your dad.
Make your feelings clear. Use statements such as, “Dad, it makes me feel left out when you spend so much time with Tracy. " Try writing down what you want to say ahead of time. It can be difficult to have an open conversation. It can relieve your stress if you plan ahead. Remember that your emotions are valid. Just try to explain them in a constructive way. Instead of saying, “I hate her!”, be more specific. Say, “It makes me sad when she ignores me or talks down to me. "
If you don’t understand his point of view, ask questions. You have a right to understand the situation. For example, try saying, “Dad, I don’t understand why you go on vacations with just your girlfriend. Would it be possible to include me and my sister some time?” Demonstrate that you are listening by using positive body language. Nod your head and maintain eye contact.
Schedule time to hang out with just your dad. Ask him if the two of you can go on a hike or go to a ball game together. If you don’t get to see your dad very often, find other ways to communicate. Keep in touch via text, e-mail, or video chat.
