No matter how unlikely it seems now, as you get older, you may be surprised to find that you appreciate some of the rules that seemed especially strict when you were younger. If your parents’ rules put you in danger, it’s okay to disobey them. For instance, if they’re abusing you and they’re demanding that you don’t tell anyone, or if they’ve forbidden you from getting the medical care that you need, you should find a trusted adult who’s willing to help you.
Ask your parents questions about their childhoods to get insight into how they were raised. For example, if their parents were really strict as well, they might feel like that’s a necessary part of parenthood. If they had really permissive parents, they might feel like that led them to make mistakes they’d rather protect you from.
For instance, it might seem totally unfair to you that your parents won’t let you have your own phone until you’re 16, but they may feel that’s necessary to protect you from some of the dangers that come along with technology, like predators who target children and young teens.
For instance, if your parents are explaining why they don’t want you to stay the night at a friend’s house, you might say, “So, I feel like your biggest concern is that we won’t be supervised. I know Mrs. Smith is going to be home all night. Could we call and talk to her together to see if that makes you feel more comfortable?” Approach your parents with love, understanding and respect. Ask permission to share your opinion. Use padding phrases like, this is just my opinion, while sharing your views to soften the conversation.
Your parents may not understand why you don’t feel the same way about religion as they do.
While it can be really hard to keep your opinions to yourself, sometimes you just have to be willing to agree to disagree. If you do speak up, try to do so as respectfully as possible. For instance, you might say, “Mom, I know you believe that homosexuality is wrong, and I’m not trying to change your mind, but I just want to say that the word you just used is really hurtful. Could you say something else next time, instead?”
Losing your temper won’t convince your parents to change their rules, and it will just make the conflict worse in the moment.
For instance, you might say something like, “Hey Mom, I wanted to talk to you about your rule that I can’t wear makeup until I’m 15. I was wondering if maybe you would let me start wearing just a little concealer when I have a breakout, though, because I feel a little self-conscious about my acne. Maybe you could even show me how to use it so it looks natural!”
For instance, if you missed your curfew, you might say, “I know I was supposed to come right home from Scott’s house, but he wanted to stop to buy a new video game. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. I won’t try to talk you out of grounding me. ” Unfortunately, it may sometimes be necessary to keep something hidden if you’re concerned that being honest will affect your safety. For instance, if your parents have a history of abuse or you’re afraid they’ll kick you out of the house, you may not be comfortable opening up to them about your LGBTQ+ identity until after you’ve moved out on your own.
Keep in mind that according to Christian beliefs, only other Christians can go to heaven, so your parents’ concern about your spirituality comes from being afraid that their child won’t enjoy the afterlife with them. If you don’t have the same beliefs, this might seem silly, but it’s a very real fear to them.
Try to stay calm as you talk to your parents, then listen respectfully as they react, even if they get upset at first.
Try saying something like, “I’d love to go to the movies, but my mom isn’t going to let me go unless we see something she approves of. What if we find something really silly that’s rated PG, then we stock up on all the candy we can carry?”
You can also take on extra responsibilities around the house, like caring for a younger sibling or raking the yard when you notice leaves building up, without having to be asked to do them.
If you really have your heart set on something, sit down with your parents and talk to them about why it means a lot to you. For instance, you might say something like, “I have friends on the softball team who go to church too, and it seems like a really positive team that I’d love to be a part of. Would you consider letting me join if I promise I’ll attend every Sunday morning and Sunday evening service at church?”
For instance, you might say, “I love seeing you guys, but it makes me very uncomfortable when you keep bringing up the fact that I’m not going to church right now. If you keep doing that, I’m not going to invite you to my apartment anymore. ”
