You might say, “I know we haven’t clearly stated this, but we have a rule about no TV during weekdays, Mom. If they are done with homework, they are welcome to play with toys, work on puzzles or do creative projects–but absolutely no TV. Okay?” In addition to telling them the rules, it may also help to post charts in your home that outline bedtimes, feeding schedules, and general rules you want your children to adhere to. [1] X Research source It is ideal to start communicating your boundaries to your relatives before your child is born. However, if you did not do this, and your relatives are now undermining your parenting, then communicating your boundaries now is better than not at all. The sooner you can start communicating your boundaries to your relatives, the better your chances will be of getting your relatives to respect these rules.
Step out of the room and count to 10 silently. Take some deep breaths—in through your nose and out through your mouth. Repeat an affirmation like “I am the picture of calm. ” Then, rejoin the environment and reach out to your spouse or partner first and say, “Do you mind if we have a chat with your parents? I really want to talk to them about something that’s been bugging me. ” Then, explain the situation so that you are both clued in to the problem.
Let your spouse lead the conversation with their side of the family. Your in-laws are less likely to take such strong offense when a confrontation is initiated by their own. Your spouse might say, “Mom and Dad, we need to talk to you…Is now a good time?”
Your spouse might say, “Your style with the children is causing some problems. We find that Carey sets a rule, and you guys go behind her back and change it. Or, worse, you bad-mouth her in front of the kids. We’d really appreciate it if you could support our parenting choices, even if you don’t agree with them. It’s better if the kids see that we are all on the same side. ”[3] X Research source
For example, when your sister-in-law babysits, you may choose to relax the “No fast or convenience foods” rule simply because she is going straight from her job to watch your children. On these days, it may be acceptable for your kids to eat microwave dinners or takeout, or you might even prepare something ahead of time that she can just heat up for your kids and herself. Try to be compassionate as you decide what rules you are willing to let slide now and then. Consider why your relatives might try to break these rules. For example, if your mother-in-law wants to watch a TV show with your kids, it might be because she remembers watching it with her grandmother and wants to share the same experience with her own grandkids.
You might say, “You have such a wonderful relationship with the kids. We both appreciate you caring for them after school each day. We just don’t want to feel undermined when it comes to parenting. I hope you can understand. ” Be sure to show your appreciation for specific help that they provide you with, such as coming over and teaching you how to swaddle your baby, or taking your kids to the park when you are too sick to take them. Communicate with them often as well, such as by calling once or twice per week or sending them a text message here and there. Keep in mind that they were probably as excited as you were about your children being born, so they will likely appreciate regular updates and the occasional picture.
For instance, if Mom tells the kids to go wash up for bedtime and Dad sighs and says, “Fun-time is over kids,” this sends the message that Dad doesn’t approve of bedtime. The children can start to view Mom as mean because of her disciplinary choices. To prevent dysfunctional parenting patterns from emerging, pause before reacting or cutting into the other parent’s parenting. Wait until you’re alone and then bring up the issue with your spouse or partner. [4] X Research source
Brainstorm solutions as partners. For instance, if one parent says, “I think you went a little overboard with disciplining Callie earlier,” the other parent should try to consider their perspective. Then, strive to find a workable solution. You might say, “Maybe I did let my anger get the best of me. Let’s come up with a phrase that signals one of us needs time out to cool off. We’ll take a break, discuss the issue between us, then go back to the kids to dole out a punishment. Does that sound good?”[5] X Research source
If Mom has the ability to keep a cool head under pressure, she might be the best person to handle explaining punishments and handling crises. On the other hand, Dad is great with relating to the children, so he talks through issues with them like peer pressure or bullying. Point out what each parent is good at and use these abilities in your parenting.
Take turns expressing each other’s feelings about parenting stress and challenges. Each partner should listen attentively, being careful to make eye contact, nod, and orient towards the speaker. Listen to understand rather than to reply. [7] X Research source
Whether it’s your ex, your sibling, or your mother-in-law, provide constructive criticism as soon as an incident occurs. You might say, “Sis, can I speak with you really quickly?. . . You’re doing it again. I told Brady he couldn’t have candy, and you went right behind me and promised him some. We have rules about sugar in this household. ” However, do not take the candy away from your child, or it may seem to the child that they are being punished when they have done nothing wrong.
For instance, you might tell your parents, “Each weekend when Jessica visits with you all overnight, she eats a lot of junk food and stays up past midnight. I hate to have to do this, but we are going to stop the overnight visits for now. We are concerned about her health and well-being. ”[8] X Research source
For example, you might say to a sibling, “Toby, we’re going to have to stop you from coming to see the kids for a while. We’ve talked about this in the past, but you continue to curse, smoke, and drink around them. They are too young to be exposed to that kind of behavior. ”
