Focus on what the other person is saying instead of planning your response to their argument. Ask questions. Probe deeper to understand their beliefs. [2] X Expert Source Maureen TaylorCommunications Coach Expert Interview. 24 March 2021. You could ask, “How did you come to feel that way?” or “Did your parents have the same opinion?” A significant part of active listening is nonverbal behavior. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, and squaring your body toward the person communicate both interest and respect toward the person.
Practice empathy. Think about how it would feel to be the other person and try to understand how they came to their point of view. For example, your friend may be against expanding welfare benefits because his mother worked two jobs, providing for them so they wouldn’t need to rely on food stamps. Your friend has the experience of seeing how it was possible to succeed without relying on welfare, and that has shaped his point of view. Paraphrase. Repeat what the other person told you, using slightly different words, to show you are listening to them, as well as to help clarify what you are hearing. For example, if they say, “I grew up poor, and I did just fine without help,” you could say, “It sounds like you were really self-reliant. ”
For example, you may be against abortion and you are talking to someone who is pro-choice. They may say they wish there was better sex education in schools so that kids understand the risk and impact of teen pregnancy, and you happen to agree. You could say, “I agree with you that we need to do a better job of teaching teenagers about the dangers of unprotected sex and the risk of pregnancy. ”
The secret to staying calm is maintaining normal breathing and relaxation in the body. Breathing deeply with your diaphragm (so that your belly expands when you inhale, not your chest), can trigger your parasympathetic nervous system, which is calming. Avoid holding or shortening your breaths, pacing, or clenching your hands or jaw (or any other forms of muscle tension). When a discussion becomes an argument, there’s no more logic or reasoning, it just becomes a fight to win. If you are trying to convince someone of something they don’t believe, arguing with them will not help anything. They will only become more convinced of their own position. [6] X Research source Ask the other person to lower their voice if things become heated. You could say, “Michael, would you mind not yelling? We’re just having a disagreement, I don’t want it to turn into a full-scale fight. ”
Don’t name-call or demean them. Don’t hit below the belt and escalate to an emotional argument. Stay civil. Respect their ideas. Acknowledge that their ideas include valid points, though you do not have to agree with them. You could say, “I think you made a good point when you said…” or “Your comment definitely gives me some food for thought. ”[7] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source
You could say, “John, I want to say from the outset that my disagreement on how you handled this project isn’t about your work. You’re a hard worker and I value your contribution to the company. I do feel like you took this report in the wrong direction, and I wanted to get your point of view. ” Another way you can communicate this is by showing an interest in this person that is outside of the topic of the argument. Ask them about their day, their work or family, etc.
Make sure your facts are well-sourced. Not all websites created equal. When pulling facts off the internet, make sure they come from credible sources. One method is to see if you can find the same information from three separate sources.
Disagreements will not necessarily damage your relationship with the other person, especially if you debate respectfully and don’t let it get emotional. [10] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Business Review Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices Go to source Of course, things are different if someone is arguing with you about who you are — your sexuality or your religion, for example. This is a personal attack and likely not something you want to engage in. You could say, “I’m not defending my faith to you, it’s very personal and not something I am arguing about. ”
For example, you may be active in the LGBTQ community, and you are discussing transgender youth with someone. While “We believe that trans youth are marginalized and need extra support,” may be a true statement, it might sound better to say, “I know that the trans community is working hard to reach trans youth, because they need so much support. ” When you have familiarity with a community, it is better to draw on them for expertise rather than a silent “we” army to back you up.
Don’t bottle up your feelings for the sake of politeness. You may be the type of person who doesn’t want to rock the boat or stir the pot, but it is good to express your disagreement from time to time. Otherwise, it’s likely that all that frustration will come out all at once in a big blow-up. [13] X Research source Acknowledge it is difficult for you to speak up, and people might give you more space to express yourself. You could say, “I usually don’t contribute to discussions like this because it’s hard for me to express myself sometimes, but I wanted to say…. ”
You could say, “Well, it’s been interesting having this debate with you, but I don’t think we’re making any headway here. We could run for office with this kind of record!” If the other person seems insistent on continuing the discussion, you could say, “Could I take a rain check? I think we’ve got ourselves going in circles right now. Maybe another time. ”
For example, your conservative uncle wants to pick apart your liberal beliefs for the umpteenth time, and it is never an enjoyable discussion. You could say, “You know what, Uncle Bill? Let’s talk about something other than politics today. I heard you’re remodeling your kitchen. How’s that going?” Most of the time, people get the hint that you don’t want to talk about it.
Pay attention to your surroundings and environment. Notice if you are engaging in a heated argument at an inappropriate time (like in front of children at a family dinner) or in someone else’s space, or are there bystanders who may be being forced to bear witness to the argument and may be uncomfortable. If you are talking to someone one-on-one and they bring up a contentious issue, you can just let them talk about it without arguing back. Listen politely and nod. If they ask you what you think, and you don’t wish to engage, you could just shrug and say, “Oh, I don’t know. ”[16] X Research source
If you are uncomfortable with the language the other person is using (for example, using too much profanity, or using racist/bigoted language), you could say, “Look, I’m happy to debate this topic with you, but you need to stop with the swearing. ” If the argument escalates to a place that is too uncomfortable for you, you could put your hand up and say, “Okay, I think we need to end this conversation. I’m going to walk away now before things get worse,” and get some space between you and the other person.
