Being calm will help you make on-the-spot decisions. This can be difficult, so remember to breathe. Your body will be telling you it’s an emergency, but you need to tell yourself you are going to be okay. The person is angry, so you need to show him the opposite emotion: calm. If you match his anger with your anger, then negative emotions will escalate. Don’t allow him to antagonize you into a negative reaction. Take a step back to get some space. Hold both hands up in a peaceful way in front of you to gesture that you do not want any trouble.
At the first sign of a threat to your safety, leave the area as quickly as you can. If you are forced to stay, or sense that you can handle the situation, you will need to shift into problem solving mode.
Listen to what the person has to say and do not interrupt him. Interrupting or talking over the person will only escalate the situation.
Be clear and tell the person that you are not going to fight with him. Assure the person that whatever the problem is, it can be resolved. You may need to suggest that the person take a break or a walk. Or, you may want to do the same and come back later to discuss the problem. Cooler heads prevail. The goal is to create some distance from the negative emotions. Apologize if and when appropriate. You will need to use your judgement as to when to say this. If you say it too soon, it may make the person angry.
Call the police to restore order or report a crime if one has occurred. It is their job to protect and serve. You need to be willing to ask for their help. Family members or friends may be able to help resolve the matter at hand. If you are dealing with this type of behavior in your home, then contact a domestic violence hotline in your area for advice and assistance. [5] X Research source If this situation occurs in the workplace, contact your Human Resource Representative to discuss your options.
Humans, from an early age, learn to cope with things that happen around them and to them. If they learn to respond in an angry way, then they will use that coping skill over and over. Children carry their coping skills into adulthood. Even though they may cause problems, some people will refuse to change. Children who grew up in a chaotic home have few childhood coping skills except to become hyper-vigilant – always on guard, always externally focused on others, always on edge waiting to see what is going to happen next. [6] X Research source
If you sense the person is getting out of control, then find a way to remove yourself from the situation. You may say things like, “I can see that we aren’t going to resolve this today so I’m going to leave now,” or “We can’t resolve this problem if we can’t talk calmly, so I’m going to take a break and we can discuss this later. ” You may be shocked by what is said to you; but maintaining an honest and empathetic stance will help you to understand. Ideally, you can set ground rules from the beginning that there will be no name calling. If the situation doesn’t allow that, then you can say, “We don’t have to resort to name calling to get this problem solved. Let’s focus on the problem. “[8] X Research source Remember that you can take a break from the interaction to allow for a “cooling off period. " This may help the person calm down and approach the situation in a more positive way.
Anger can be an impulsive reaction to a stimuli rather than a well-thought out response. You will need to investigate what triggers an anger response in the person with whom you interact. In some cases, a person could be diagnosed with a condition such as Intermittent Explosive Disorder. There are times when people just want to vent about a situation and don’t need you to do anything other than listen and say, “I know what you mean. ”
If someone is having an anger outburst and you are not, then you will be the one in charge of maintaining control. You can say things like, “It sounds to me like we can solve whatever this problem is, peacefully. ” Seek first to understand, then to be understood. [9] X Research source Listen to the person who is angry by paying attention to what he says. Without interrupting him, say things such as, “I hear what you’re saying. Let me see if I’m on target here. You’re upset because ____. ” Be an excellent listener. Everyone likes to be heard. Wait until the person is finished talking before you comment, and do not interrupt the person. This shows the person that you respect him and want to hear what he has to say.
Be flexible and remain composed even if he is emotionally “all over the place. ” This will help you remain focused on identifying the underlying issues and guide the interaction toward a peaceful conclusion. Get him to buy-in to the idea of resolving the matter. Say things like, “I know this is a difficult situation, but I’m confident we can work together to figure this out. ” This sets up a positive outcome simply by letting the other person know that you are a willing and optimistic participant. Always be positive when an agreement is reached. Tell the person you are happy an agreement was reached. Ask the person if he is happy about how things turned out and if there was anything that could have made it better.
For a person to grow and change, they need an environment that fosters genuine interactions (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard) and empathy (being listened to and understood). This would be your role in the process of helping someone deal with their anger issues. [11] X Expert Source Chloe Carmichael, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 29 May 2019. Be realistic about the outcome. You may not be able to resolve every conflict. It doesn’t mean you have to stop trying. It’s good to remain guardedly optimistic. There will be times when you will have to assert yourself to get your point across, or to shut the conversation down. Remaining unruffled will be the key. For example, you may have to say, “I understand what you’re saying, but I’m going to have to stop the conversation for now. What we’re doing isn’t working. Perhaps we can find a solution later. "
Access educational material on-line from reputable sources like the American Psychological Association[12] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source and the American Psychiatric Association. [13] X Research source Subscribe to newsletters from groups that cover subject matter related to anger and other areas of interest.
It takes time and effort to build trust. Repeated positive interactions are the goal. Simply asking how someone is doing, or remembering that he has a tough assignment coming up at work or school lets him know you care enough to remember. Think of ways you can show the person that your actions are inspired by goodness. Be kind. Do things like making the person his favorite meal, or tell the person you appreciate the things he does for you. It takes courage to be vulnerable. Remember a person with anger issues may struggle with this notion. You can show your vulnerability by sharing your own struggles to help the other person feel more at ease.
Once you expand your vocabulary you can help others do the same. Suggest and encourage the person to take classes in non-violent communication. The goal of these classes is to learn to express your feelings and needs with greater clarity and compassion. Gather lists that itemize numerous emotions to help identify the emotions a person is feeling. You can refer to that list to help determine if you or another person’s emotional needs are satisfied, and when they are not. Strong emotions like anger are designed to help you respond to and cope with stress in your environment, but can become bad for us if not handled with care. [15] X Research source Research has shown that if people have twenty words for anger (irritation, fury, rage, hostility), then they will perceive twenty different states and will better regulate their emotional states as a result. [16] X Research source
Successfully managing situations with difficult and angry people, builds skills that can be used at home, at work and in public. You will be well-equipped to handle each situation with confidence.
