criticizing nagging making inappropriate remarks, such as racist, sexist, or homophobic comments yelling or screaming at you not respecting your privacy, such as by invading your space or prying during conversations
Always begin your compliments with “I” rather than “you. " For example, you might compliment your loved one by saying something like, “I appreciate your help with the dishes,” or “I have always admired how assertive you are,” or “I think your passion for politics is so cool!”[1] X Research source
For example, you might say, “Dad, I feel uncomfortable when you make remarks about people who are gay. I have good friends who are gay and they are not at all how you describe them. I feel hurt and confused when you say those things. ”
For example, you might say something like, “I know this is not a comfortable topic for you, but I think it is awesome that you are willing to talk to me about it. ”
Isolating your loved one may intensify his or her problematic tendencies, so continue to include your loved one in activities as you usually do. Make sure your loved one knows he or she can come to you with problems. Try saying something like, “I want you to know that I’m here for you when you want to talk. ”
Constantly bringing up the issue. After you have made your loved one aware of your feelings, he or she will need to think about what you have said and make a decision to change or not change the behavior. Continuing to bring up the issue on a regular basis will not speed the process or sway your loved one. It is more likely to upset your loved one than anything else. Avoid passive-aggressive comments about a loved one’s behavior. Making passive-aggressive comments is another form of pressuring your loved one, so it is best to avoid these. For example, don’t say things like, “Too bad some people are so close-minded. ”
Try saying something like, “I respect your opinions, but I have a right to my opinion as well. The things you are saying/doing are hurting me and I want the behaviors to stop. ”
If something comes up, but tempers are running high or the context is not appropriate for an open, heartfelt conversation, ask your loved one to agree to talk soon. State the intention of a conversation beforehand. For instance, say something like, “I want to strengthen our relationship by better understanding ______. ”
Talk about a time you accepted help for something you had previously insisted wasn’t an issue. Check your terminology and framing to ensure you are not shaming your loved on for whatever it is you believe he or she needs to change.
Avoid starting a debate with your loved one. Don’t ask your loved one to provide proof for his or her beliefs or try to prove your loved one wrong. Ask questions. Try to better understand where your loved one is coming from. For example, you might ask something like, “What experiences did you have that have caused you to feel that way?”
Begin sentences with “I think _”, “In my opinion”, or “It seems to me that _____”. If a statement requires elaboration, follow with something like “So, I’m wondering about _____”, or “It seems that this might lead to _______”. Elaborations are only necessary when your loved one doesn’t respond to your initial observations or stated feelings.
If you state opinion as truth and your loved one jumps on you for it, admit that your terminology was problematic and adjust it. Say something like, “Well… yes, you’re right, I can’t be positive, but I see it like this. ”
Say something like, “Jeez, we’re both being pretty stubborn!” All it takes for someone’s defenses to go up is one side refusing to give ground. Make sure it isn’t you that pushes a conversation into deadlock. Follow up any potential spots of conversational lock-up with a question such as, “Do you see it differently?”
Recognize that even when people are willing, change takes time. Breaking entrenched patterns of behavior in particular is a process. Incremental improvements, even only during dialogue, are worth acknowledging. Show your appreciation for a loved one’s effort and willingness to change by thanking your loved one for talking with you.
For example, you could say something like, “Let’s talk some other time when we are both feeling calm. ” Or, “This has been a good start, but I think we should end it here. ”
Part of being there is having something to say when someone comes to you for help. (Or when they don’t. ) Know the first step that a loved will need to take so you can recommend it. Talk to a health care professional. You may benefit both in terms of knowledge about your loved one’s scenario, and in terms of your own mental health, by seeing a mental health professional yourself.
Your loved one may be more likely to agree to seeing a general practitioner than to seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist. General practitioners may then be able to convince your loved one to see a mental health care professional. When advising your loved one to get help, emphasize statements your loved one has made or behavior that may bring harm to your loved one or to others. For example, you might say, “I am concerned about what you said about feeling angry all of the time. I think that you might need to talk to someone about that to feel better. ” If you don’t know where to look for help or information, contact organizations such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness. [16] X Trustworthy Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness Go to source
Ask other friends and loved ones to do the same. In dangerous scenarios in which your loved one’s behavior is detrimentally affecting his or her own and others’ health and safety, this may be the only way to convince your loved one to address the need to change. Try something like, “I know you’re struggling with ______ right now, and I want to let you know I support you. I want our relationship to stay healthy and positive, and it would mean a lot to me if you got help dealing with _____. ”
Articulate the boundaries you set for yourself to your loved one. For example, you might say something like, “I can’t be around you when you have been drinking. If I come home and you are drunk, then I will have to leave. ” If a loved one consistently knowingly defies or asks you to defy boundaries you’ve clearly articulated, you need to consider ending the relationship. If a loved one is consistently hurting you or others, you need to act. Ideally, your loved one will be willing to willing to change his or her behavior. If not, you may need to distance yourself from your loved one, and potentially stop seeing the person.
