Thank the person for the positive portion of the compliment and ignore the rest. For example, your sister says “Geez, you’ve lost a lot of weight! You look good! At one point you were so much bigger than me!” You might reply with “Thanks, I’m glad my hard work is starting to show. ”[2] X Research source It is likely very hard to not respond to hurtful comments mixed into the “compliment”. This sort of approach is best for situations in which responding in a more frank and forthright manner is not advisable. For example, a superior at work or your sibling at a family gathering.
Be specific in your example. For example, “Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but what do you mean by saying, ‘it’s nice to see a person like you doing that?’” Rather than, “Thank you for noticing I cleaned the kitchen, but the rest of that statement is garbage. " Being specific in the insincere compliment makes it harder to just blow off as a mistaken word or phrase. Particularly manipulative individuals, or those good at coming up with excuses on the spot may be able to navigate this tactic. Even still, it is worth trying, as it will indicate you are aware of the behavior and question it. Keep in mind that the person may not even be aware that they are giving negative compliments if this is their normal way of interacting, so you may be doing them a favor by pointing this out to them. You might say, “Ben, I notice that you make a lot of remarks about my work. At first glance, they appear positive, but I notice you keep commenting about my punctuality. I’m really unclear on why you keep talking about it because you know I take the bus and have little control over when it arrives. Can you explain?”[4] X Research source Occasionally, an individual does not really understand he or she is giving insincere compliments. This can happen if a parent modeled this behavior, he or she was not allowed to voice feelings directly, or some mental illnesses. It is still not OK, but it can be a learned behavior. The person might respond with a sincere apology, which you can choose to accept or not. People may become defensive and make up excuses. This is a sign that he or she knows it is wrong but is not ready to own up to it.
For instance, say something along the lines of “Please stop with the compliments, Tina. I’m just doing my job. ” Or, you might deflect the praise to others by saying, “I wasn’t the only one who worked on this project. Praise the rest of the team—not just me. ”[5] X Research source
If a person continually lays on the praise, be wary of any demands they may ask of you in the future. False flattery is actually a disguised form of emotional manipulation: the person is buttering you up to get their way. Distance yourself from the person, if possible. If not, avoid letting them get their way with you.
An insincere compliment can bring up feelings of shame or self-doubt. Give yourself a time-out if needed to collect yourself. Take a few deep breaths to cool off. Remind yourself of your positive traits, or call up an authentic friend who will help you see the positives.
Boost your self-esteem by making the most of accomplishments and failures. Use accomplishments to help you acknowledge and affirm your abilities. Use failure to help you pinpoint weaknesses for future growth. Stop comparing yourself to the people around you. This is a surefire way to make your confidence suffer. Know that you have something unique to offer the world that no one else can. [10] X Research source Try something new. Developing and honing new skills can help you build self-efficacy and start to believe in your abilities. Go back to school and further your education. Or, ask your boss for some on-the-job training in a new area. [11] X Expert Source Erika KaplanMatchmaker Expert Interview. 1 October 2020. Try reading a confidence boosting audiobook if your self-esteem becomes a constant problem for you and you begin taking things too personally. One good option is The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden.
Think about it. There’s no reason for the person to use sarcasm or false flattery if you weren’t even meant to hear the remark. If you heard others exchanging nice words about you, consider that they were earnest.
False flattery is more likely to occur after a fall out when the person is seeking forgiveness, or when you are in a position of status and the person is hoping for a leg up. [13] X Research source Similarly, insincere praise may also arise in the midst of competitive workplaces or after you have received recognition the other person was coveting.
